The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
