Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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