ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
