he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
