he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
