Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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