You're a womanizer and a bitch.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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