i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
