Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
