Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize