I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
