today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
