Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
