there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize