Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
