My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
