I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
