don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
