I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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