How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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