You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
