She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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