you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
