Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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