I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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