I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
