i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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