just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
