Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
