Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
That was an excessively violent trivia night
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
