One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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