remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
