I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
