You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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