I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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