we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
