She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
