seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
