and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
