Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
