Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
