When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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