Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
