I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize