Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
