Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize