Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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