he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
