I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
