I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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