she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
