His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize