My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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