Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
