She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
