ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Dear god my vagina.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
