I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
